Have Intimacy/Sexual concerns?

Lets Talk More on this!~

As a practicing Sex Therapist I understand sexual & intimacy concerns are very common, yet misunderstood and “shhh shhh” topics for many of us, but why?
Did you realize in America, it is reported 41% of women and 41% of men report concerns related to sex and intimacy? Sexual matters are a way of life and should be addressed more.

What causes Sexual Disorders you ask?

There are many causes of sexual disorders, varying from person to person and from one disorder to another. Three general categories of factors (Physical, psychological and Interpersonal).

For instance, physical causes include organic factors such as diseases and substances. One common organic factor for instance is Erectile Dysfunction. Erectile dysfunction can be caused by various reasons, however, it is reported over 50% may be due to organic factors since erections depend on the circulatory system and blood vessels.

As a sex therapist, I help you discover more about your sexual concerns, needs and how to increase overall sexual desires/intimacy related needs. I aid individuals and couples in learning more about their individualized specific needs and how to address them accordingly. There are several ways to address sexual concerns, the first is being open and flexible in learning.

Also, letting go of fear! Its okay to learn more about yourself/your needs and you are NOT alone! Try not to feel ashamed or be hard on yourself because this in a sensitive topic for many of us and this is okay. Take your time in understanding more and know, you are always welcome to email me to set up a time to explore together in confidential sessions with me! I look forward to working with you!~

Unhealed Childhood Trauma

Have you ever thought the “Narcissist” or “Bipolar” person you were with may have experience childhood trauma.

Childhood trauma may manifest in more ways than our society acknowledges and may have an impact on the “disorder” you may have known or even been diagnosed with.

Sometimes — as in physical or sexual abuse — trauma is quite obvious. But there are many kinds of childhood trauma that you might not identify as trauma at all.

Neglect is also traumatic, and so is the loss of a parent, a serious childhood illness, a learning disability that left you doubting yourself, too many siblings, a detached, emotionally unavailable, or anxious parent, even your parent’s own childhood trauma.

Maybe you experienced a combination of these: neglectloss of a parentserious childhood illnessa learning disabilitytoo many siblingsdetachedemotionally unavailableor anxious parentsyour parents had childhood trauma.

Childhood neglect means that your emotional or physical needs were not attended to. This may be because your parents were overwhelmed and preoccupied.

You may worry that your childhood trauma will ruin your happiness, relationships, or even other professional areas of your life. Perhaps you don’t know where to start to learn how to heal.

You haven’t been feeling yourself lately. And you’ve been wondering: Are you suffering from unresolved childhood trauma? You thought it was over.

But could your trauma be leaking into your adult life, making you feel everything is turned upside down? If that’s so, why now?

“Why now?” probably seems like the sixty-million dollar question. You’ve done your best to move on. Even successfully blocked it out most of the time.

But lately, you’ve started to feel anxious again. Sometimes on the verge of panic. Depressed feelings are beginning to take over. Maybe you even feel like withdrawing into a shell.

How could your trauma be unresolved? What is this about?

Seeking Therapy and mental health support can be helpful in combating and healing your childhood trauma! Let’s connect!

How Healthy is My Relationship?

Have you had the opportunity to check into your relationship habits lately? If you are in a relationship (especially long term) you may want to evaluate how healthy your relationship is or is not. The more understanding you have toward your relationship, the more beneficial it may be to gain appreciation for the best things and decide what (if anything) you want to change.

Here are some great references for healthy and unhealthy relationship patterns you may or may not have noticed or some to be aware of.

Healthy: (1) Have fun together more often than not (2) Enjoy spending time separately, with your own friends, as well as each other’s friends (3) Always feel safe with each other (4) Trust each other (5) Respect each others opinions, even when they are different (6) Solve conflicts without putting each other down, cursing at each other or making threats (7) Both accept responsibility for your actions (8) Both apologize when you are wrong (9) Have equal decision-making power about what you do in your relationship (10) Communicate about sex, if your relationship is sexual

Unhealthy: (1) Gets jealous or accuses the other of cheating and other behaviors (2) Puts the other down by calling names, cursing or making the other feel bad about themselves (3) Doesn’t listen when the other talks (4) Embarrasses or humiliates the other (5) Cheats or threatens to cheat (6) Blames the other for your own behavior (7) Tells the other how to behave or dress (8) Frequently criticizes the other’s friends or family (9) Pressures the other for sex, or makes sex hurt or feel humiliating (10) Depends completely on the other to meet social or emotional needs

These are just a few of each, take note of them and others you might notice. If you feel like you need additional family/relationship support, do not hesitate to reach out for relationship/marital therapy and other emotional supports with others which might help shed light on your own needs and make decisions accordingly.

Four Steps to Effective Listening in Your Relationship

Step 1: Put Aside Your Own Ego

Be aware of your thoughts, judgments and feelings your partner(s) is saying. Try to make a deliberate decision to be a caring listener.

Step 2: Try to Identify and Understand the Emotions Your Partner(s) is Feeling as They Talk.

For instance, is my partner(s) expressing intense emotions? Flat emotions, etc. You might want to ask yourself and your partner(s), What is my partner(s) trying to convey and express through their emotional response?

Step 3: Make a Statement That Conveys You Heard and are Trying to Understand Your Partner(s) Feelings.

Your partner(s) feelings should be identified in your response (or by mirroring back what you have heard).

Step 4: Ask your Partner(s) questions on how you can better understand or to elaborate. For instance, you can ask, ‘Is there anything else that could help me to understand your feelings more fully?” This is helpful in expressing to your partner, you are trying to understand and want to further explore with them.

Emotional Needs

Everyone has needs in relationship with others, especially emotional needs. What are emotional needs you might ask? Many psychologists consider an emotional need as a state or condition that must be fulfilled in order for us to experience happiness and peace. Individuals and couples have the opportunity to get many of their interpersonal & emotional needs met through their relationship. However, you should get your emotional needs met in various ways, not just with your partner. Meanwhile, as it relates to intimate relationships, it is good and healthy for partners to meet each other’s needs too, including emotional needs.

Have you been able to identify your top emotional needs?

In working with so many people, from various walks of life, I’ve noticed the top 8 emotional needs in general are as follows:

  1. Physical Attractiveness: Feeling attractive to your mate, like someone wants you and finds you “eye catching”
  2. Sexual Fulfillment: Meeting physical intimacy and sexual needs
  3. Recreational & Community Connection
  4. Security & Attention
  5. Sense of achievements & Meaning
  6. Domestic & Financial Support
  7. Honesty & Openness
  8. Admiration & Support

These categories may vary from person to person/couple to couple and may change throughout a lifespan and time. This is not always concrete, meaning, these can change overtime and can vary depending on who the person(s) is and what is important at that time in their life.

Overall, I challenge you to consider thinking of whats important to you and your life. What you consider ’emotionally’ safe and how you connect emotionally.

Blow Jobs or Going Down or Naw?

Are you afraid of giving head or blowing your partner/Toys/Sex Alternatives?

There are so many ways to please and pleasure your partner(s) these days. Pleasure and related topics are on the rise, yet, we do not discuss the topic of sex/oral sex nearly as much as we should or can. The most common types of sex (especially Oral Sex) is Fellatio and Cunnilingus. In fact, Over 80% of men and women have reported participating in oral sex. It may also be important to note, Oral sex is a general term for stimulation of the genitals with the mouth. “Fellatio” is oral sex that stimulates a penis, and “cunnilingus” is oral sex that stimulates the vagina.The word “fellatio” comes from the Latin word for “suck.” It’s just really disappointing to see how little we talk about the acts. Our society is filled with Pornography, Sexual Content and other Sex related forms of Experience, but social media (Especially TikTok) bands the discussion of sex “taboo” topic. So many of us are having Sex, why are we not talking about pleasure in healthier ways? Why do we shy away from Sex Education, yet STI, STDs and other concerns related to sexual health are on the rise? I really want to break the stigmas associated with sexual health/sexual pleasure. Let’s deepen our conversions related to oral sex and other forms of sex. This is important for our communities as a whole and our children as they are coming up in a world with more access to information and experiences that we may not even have heard of. Please join me in more topics of health, Relationship(s) and Sexual Health as we journey together to combat stigmas and spread more knowledge to aid one another in preventing negative thoughts, emotions, low self esteem, Anxiety, Depression and other mental health struggles related to sexual health/related discomforts.

SAY WHAAA!!?? 6 Easy Ways to Attract Your Dream Partner!!!

  1. Make it clear to yourself of what you want, write it down/speak it into the universe
  2. You have to become the type of person you want to attract.
  3. Date A LOT! Don’t settle with people who are just “Okay” in your eyes.
  4. Keep Circulating. Why are you not being socially open?
  5. Work on YOURSELF primarily. Keep your focus on your personal needs/wants and goals.
  6. Focus on your purpose and goals first. Remain buys building your dream life! You got this!!

TIRED OF BEING THE INITIATOR IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP?

Are you sick and tired of being “The Initiator?” In this context, we use the term The Initiator to refer to the primaryperson who often starts the fire in the bedroom. I’ll be the first to admit, no one wants to be the person always initiating sex. I mean, come on already, right? The first challenge is establishing a greater understanding as to why being the initiator is a negative position to be in. It could be that you are courageous and strong and are the one to pour your all in the relationship, in order to sustain it. Or, it might be that you want to rev up the communication a bit because you feel like something is lacking in that area. We all have roles that we play in relationships. Unfortunately, they’re not always 50/50 as society would have us to believe.  Well, I hate to break it to ya, but some of us will be “THAT ONE” and that’s okay.  I understand, that can be difficult when you feel alone in the sense that you are doing most of the work. So, the most important thing you can do is communicate your personal needs and wishes to your partner. But in the meantime, here are some strategies that may work with you and your partner!

So many of my clients say “Well, how?!” Okay, okay, I’ll tell you. Start by following the two c’s.

The first c is for COMMUNICATION.

Communicate with your partner and tell them how you are feeling and what’s on your mind. For instance, simply say, “Babe, I would love it if we had more sex” or, “Thank you for initiating sex the other night, I was starting to wonder if I’d always be the one doing it.”  Or even, “Damn, you are so sexy, I can’t wait to take your clothes off.” Don’t be afraid to compliment your partner and express your attraction to them.

Don’t hold back on letting your partner know what you desire. Don’t continue to be the person complaining about change and scared to make it happen. So many of us are afraid to make changes in our lives and our relationships but are unsure how. The desire is one thing, but ACTUAL change is another.

We fail to learn that it’s okay to communicate through difficult times and tell our partner what we most need and desire from them. Do not fret over feeling inadequate or unworthy. Get past the negative self-talk and try to think more positive. Having a positive outlook about your relationship really helps to think about the “good times” and the things that are working in your relationship.

The second c is for COMPROMISE.

Relationships are about “give and take.” Don’t always assume you are being The Initiator. Perhaps your partner feels they are the one who initiates sex in your relationship. Ensure you are compromising your needs, sometimes, and listen to your partner if they say they feel they are also initiating. Give your partner a chance to take the lead and show you that you are not alone in this.

Lastly, if you feel you are being rejected by your partner upon initiating, or that it’s hindering your ability to grow or function in the relationship, there may be more in the relationship that needs to be addressed or discussed. A neutral party may help you both come to a resolution on how to best help your relationship thrive. Do not suffer in silence, reach out to a therapist or life coach who can help you and your love come back together. They can assist you in navigating through rough patches in your relationship, and help you both reach your fullest potential!

 

When Anxiety Hits

Okay, I know we all experience Anxiety, but geesh! This morning though, was tough…as a therapist, I practice all the techniques to manage my Anxiety… but what do you do when it feels overwhelming? What do you do to effectively manage the beast of Anxiety? I typically do lots of breathing, relaxation, meditation and exercise. I also have tried medicines to help (which temporality work)! Overall, understanding the triggers or original sources of your Anxiety is also VERY helpful. My source of Anxiety is stress and Money/business. I have a business that I am trying to grow and think about this daily (all day) lol. This causes massive Anxiety for me…we ALL want to do well and be great and ensuring you have appropriate balance in your life is imperative.
Overall, explore the triggers to your Anxiety and find ways to effectively manage these triggers, such as deep breathing techniques, exercise and meditation, thus combating Anxiety. Its also helpful to see a therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist to determine if your Anxiety is more clinically related. There can definitely be a biological factor related to your Anxiety. Take care of yourself and practice self care techniques!

Modern “Renaissance” Moms…balancing maintaining a home life, work and you time!~

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Ohhh, so you ask, what happened to the one income households? Well…im going to say, for us, it was life and the economy happened that’s what! Im here to talk about how you can balance your career, parenthood and womanhood (thats if you want, and without loosing your mind ugh). Come with me on my journey to find ways to manage having a personal life as a mom, wife and save money for yourself and your family without pulling your hair out (notice I didnt say it was easy) smile!