Are you sick and tired of being “The Initiator?” In this context, we use the term The Initiator to refer to the primaryperson who often starts the fire in the bedroom. I’ll be the first to admit, no one wants to be the person always initiating sex. I mean, come on already, right? The first challenge is establishing a greater understanding as to why being the initiator is a negative position to be in. It could be that you are courageous and strong and are the one to pour your all in the relationship, in order to sustain it. Or, it might be that you want to rev up the communication a bit because you feel like something is lacking in that area. We all have roles that we play in relationships. Unfortunately, they’re not always 50/50 as society would have us to believe. Well, I hate to break it to ya, but some of us will be “THAT ONE” and that’s okay. I understand, that can be difficult when you feel alone in the sense that you are doing most of the work. So, the most important thing you can do is communicate your personal needs and wishes to your partner. But in the meantime, here are some strategies that may work with you and your partner!
So many of my clients say “Well, how?!” Okay, okay, I’ll tell you. Start by following the two c’s.
The first c is for COMMUNICATION.
Communicate with your partner and tell them how you are feeling and what’s on your mind. For instance, simply say, “Babe, I would love it if we had more sex” or, “Thank you for initiating sex the other night, I was starting to wonder if I’d always be the one doing it.” Or even, “Damn, you are so sexy, I can’t wait to take your clothes off.” Don’t be afraid to compliment your partner and express your attraction to them.
Don’t hold back on letting your partner know what you desire. Don’t continue to be the person complaining about change and scared to make it happen. So many of us are afraid to make changes in our lives and our relationships but are unsure how. The desire is one thing, but ACTUAL change is another.
We fail to learn that it’s okay to communicate through difficult times and tell our partner what we most need and desire from them. Do not fret over feeling inadequate or unworthy. Get past the negative self-talk and try to think more positive. Having a positive outlook about your relationship really helps to think about the “good times” and the things that are working in your relationship.
The second c is for COMPROMISE.
Relationships are about “give and take.” Don’t always assume you are being The Initiator. Perhaps your partner feels they are the one who initiates sex in your relationship. Ensure you are compromising your needs, sometimes, and listen to your partner if they say they feel they are also initiating. Give your partner a chance to take the lead and show you that you are not alone in this.
Lastly, if you feel you are being rejected by your partner upon initiating, or that it’s hindering your ability to grow or function in the relationship, there may be more in the relationship that needs to be addressed or discussed. A neutral party may help you both come to a resolution on how to best help your relationship thrive. Do not suffer in silence, reach out to a therapist or life coach who can help you and your love come back together. They can assist you in navigating through rough patches in your relationship, and help you both reach your fullest potential!